A Prayer for Guidance
I asked for guidance, I asked for a
direction, and I asked for hope. I put up a protective wall, I greeted each
sacred direction, and I sat down to my cards. I shuffled and shuffled, quit
shuffling and then got the feeling I should shuffle some more, all the while
holding questions in my mind and stating my hopes, my fears, my aspirations out
loud. I want to change the world, I want to get over my inner demons, I want to
heal, I want to become a confident person, I want to believe in myself and do
the work that I know I should do, the work I truly desire. I am so scared of
failing, I am scared that I don’t have the brain power, that no one will agree,
or that I have it all wrong. Am I really good enough to do the work I want to
do? What if I go down the wrong path? What if I become nothing, do nothing good
for the world, and become another destructive, life-sucking force out of the
beauty Mother Nature has created? I take a deep breath and keep shuffling until
I feel content and that the deck is in the right order for the answers to come
through. I begin to place them.
One: who I am, what I represent, and my inner
life force. I turn the card over, an upside down 8 of wands. The goddess Flora
appears on this card, she lies smiling in a swirl of green and flowers, but she
is upside down. What could that mean? I am new at this, super new in fact, and
I don’t have the slightest idea. I hope that the spiritual guides aren’t
offended by my lack of competency. I decide they aren’t (this process is about
growth and learning anyhow) and look the card up online. Reversed, the 8 of
wands represents patience, slowing things down. It encourages me to carefully
consider my next steps and to clear the obstacles out of my way before moving
forward or else I may miss something. I can’t help but be a bit dismayed. This
is my inner life force? What I represent? Who I am? What does Flora have to do
with it? Does it matter that the goddess is reversed? Is the fact that she’s
upside down mean that I am not being true to her? Who is she? I find my book on
goddesses and look her up, an understanding smile forming as I begin to read. She
is a lady of pleasure, coming from the underworld, pushing up flowers, greenery
and spring. Her celebrated festivities encouraged drinking, feasting, lovemaking,
and nudity. She represents the end of the cold barren winter. She is light
through the darkness It was her love of the west wind (Zephyrus) that birthed
flowers into the world. I smile at the thought. She sounds like my kind of
woman, placed not in reversal but upright. Maybe I am not being true to her? I plan
on contemplating this card again after I read the rest and I move on.
Two: the potential which is held within. The
card reads Death and the goddess Kali peers out at me, skull in one of her many
hands, sword in another, tongue forward, face poised with a look of
contentment. It is hard not to fear this card, but I know enough of Tarot and
of Kali to know that it has many meanings; the most common is that of
significant change. Before I can get to a new direction, significant
transformation must occur, many changes must take place. The death and clearing
of limiting obstacles will open the door for a more satisfying life. It is time
to give up unhealthy attachments, cutting away what is not necessary in my
life. I need to get rid of bad habits, bad behaviors that do not serve me well.
It is time to get rid of old memories, baggage, and belongings that have been
holding me down.
It is time to break from this old mode of
being and become a stronger, freer, radical, non-conforming self. I look at
Kali and ponder her role here. I think back to my time in India last summer: to
my sudden curiousity and respect for her in Dharmsala, the bright red Temple of
Durga we visited in Varanasi, and our visit to Kolkata, Kali’s sacred city. The
goddess of destruction, the mother, the great power, the Absolute, the one no
god or human can control: Kali has something to tell me about my inner
potential. It is said that she appears naked to indicate her freedom from the
world’s illusions. The first card begins to make more sense to me. I have
obstacles to clear and that takes time, patience, and steady effort in order to
access the potential I am holding within myself, a potential for radical
change. This excites me, I am sick of being stuck in a cycle of self-doubt,
self-hatred, and disbelief in my abilities. I am eager for the next card.
Three: what lies beneath me, my unborn self,
still in the womb, developing. I reach for the card, nervous for what it will
reveal. My internal self-hater kicks in, reminding me to fear that it will be
something horribly negative, that it will prove that I am truly a bad person,
worthless to this world. I push those thoughts away, they cannot deter me from
the answers I seek this time. I turn the card and find Eos and her chariot,
goddess of the dawn, mother of the winds, representing the Chariot of the major
arcana. The chariot calls for boldness, confidence, and faith in oneself,
knowing fundamentally who you are and what you stand for. Success will come
from applying this to my life. I must overcome obstacles and challenges through
the strength of my will power, my confidence, and control. I sit back in shock.
The work I’ve been doing, the struggles I have been having, the healing I have
been attempting, all of these efforts have all been heard by my spiritual
guides, the goddess in her many forms. I am not alone in this struggle and the
person I so hope to become is below the surface. I feel the self-doubt and
hatred ease as I fill with happiness in finding solidarity with the spiritual. Eos
represents growth, truth, and awakening. I feel eager to birth this person, to
do the work the earlier cards called me to do so I can become this confident,
successful, and full self. I notice at the end of the description of the
Chariot the author notes this card can also mean a road trip and suggests
buying an RV. I giggle and feel thankful that Tim and I’s next plan will only
help me on my journey to becoming this person. I eagerly await the next card’s
result.
Four: what I am aware of at present (the
conscious self). A reversed 10 of wands, represented by the nymph Caenis, is
revealed. When reversed, the 10 of wands implies carrying unnecessary burdens.
In my case, in this cards situation, it shows that I am consciously aware of
these burdens and am in the midst of the process of purging the unnecessary
obstacles and burdens from my life to make space for what does aid me. It means
getting rid of old furniture, clutter, clearing out of old clothes and
simplifying my life. I laugh at the very truth of this card, for this is
exactly the process Tim and I find ourselves in as we get ready to live a
simpler life on the move in our Scamp: getting rid of the old, keeping the
necessary, and letting go of excess. Again, I sit in wonder at the accuracy of
these cards and I feel so much less alone, knowing the universe is listening,
is concerned with me, because I am a part of it, not something separate.
What about Caenis? I look into her story and
am astonished. Date-raped by Poseidon, the nymph that was Caenis is devastated.
Poseidon, feeling sorry for her, asks what she needs from him to make amends.
Caenis asks him to turn her into a man, a man of great strength so she will
never have to experience that terror again. Poseidon grants this wish and
Caenis became Caeneus. Later, in an attempt to kill Caeneus during a battle,
centaurs buried him alive under a mountainous pile of rocks and tree trunks.
Some stories say he died, turning back to his female form. I prefer the version
that argues he simply flew off as a bird, a female bird, free of the burden the
world had tried to place on her, the guise she took on to weather it all.
Instead she became simply free.
Five: what I am not aware of at
present (the subconscious self). The five of wands appears, represented by the
goddess Pele. This card speaks of internal conflict, differing of opinions and
viewpoints, a need for a positive environment in which ideas can be challenged
and improved with others. It also points out that while I am trying to figure
out my path, my ideas, and point of view there are others with strong opinions
about that path who surround me, creating further conflict. This makes sense
considering the last month or so, the arguments I have had with family,
friends, and others about the state of the world, life philosophies, and
morality. Internally this struggle is alive, as I am in the vulnerable state of
building a new foundation for my ideas to stand on. This contention is also
present in ideas of what I should do now and in the future for a career. I
think of my mother and her strong ideas, I think of what everyone else thinks
of my taking this time to myself to do nothing on the work front. I feel these
judgments, these strong opinions on what I should be doing, all the while I
feel a strong need in my soul to rebuild and reemerge before I move on. I am
happy the cards agree, I feel support from the universe and take solace in her
empathy and encouragement.
Pele is the Hawaiian goddess of fire,
passion, and volcanoes. Her story is one of exile, for her passionate and fiery
ways got her into trouble in her native land. She found a home, a place where
the people respected and came to love her for her passion and fiery nature, in
Hawaii. This card seems to be telling me to find the people, the community in
which my ideas will be supported, challenged, and improved upon in a positive
environment. I feel that right now, in the majority of my life my ideas
conflict with those who think they have more say around me. I think it is time
to stand up for my fiery passion and move it to where it is more appreciated
and has the room and guidance to grow.
Six: a better mindset to promote (a position
linked to number three, this card aids the development and influence of my
unborn self which is yet to emerge). A wide smile comes over me as the major
arcana card of the Stars, represented my Pleiades, emerges with the flip of my
hand. I am not sure what it means exactly, but I get the feeling that it is
just what I hoped to hear. This card tells its reader to have faith in the universe;
it is a reminder that you are blessed at this time, and to put your trust in
the powers that be. The upcoming phase will be one of love, calm, mental
stability, and a deep understanding of yourself and those around you. The
difficult times you have come through are in the past, now you are open to the
transformation and to healing. This card speaks to being true to yourself with
a fresh perspective on life: focused in growth, new ideas, greater meaning and
purpose, and honoring the person you truly want to be. This card is said to be
a call of destiny, motivating, compelling you to go on and achieve your dreams,
for it will not be in vain. It also means achieving a higher self-esteem and
trusting yourself. This is especially true if you have come through a time of
damaged self-esteem. Finally, this card means sharing what you earn and have
learned with the world and being a generous spirit.
This is exactly the mindset I need.
I start to weep with gratitude, for there could not have been a more
encouraging card in the deck for me. Thank you universe, I will continue my
spiritual journey, my self-esteem building, and bring further light into this
world. This is the place I yearn to be in. And the Pleiades? Goddesses of the
mountains, I could not ask for a more inspiring representation of the star
card, especially for this reading. I find myself in the mountains, the
mountains are my solace, my challenge, and are becoming a sort of spiritual
guidance in my life.
Seven: a path to follow and an
action perhaps to take. The five of pentacles appears with the goddess of the
underworld from Sweden, Hel. This card reading is the most confusing for me and
one I will have to contemplate further. The five of pentacles represents
financial struggle, starvation, and poverty. On the psychological level it can
represent an unhealthy relationship with the material, meaning money may be
one’s primary motivation or that one has great anxiety from financial stress.
It can also speak to you financial fears and insecurities. I think this card is
talking to my fears of being able to create financial stability for myself,
that my main concern about what to be in the world is how to make money at it.
I don’t want to make an excessive amount of money by any means. I just want to
be able to at the very least be able to support myself. Or does this card mean
that poverty will be my path? It is hard to say. Not much is known about Hel
either. Some consider her evil, some morally neutral.
This card could be speaking towards
my fear of being a burden on Timothy financially, my fear that he will end up
resenting me. Is this card encouraging me to work through that issue? Or is it
warning me to get a job and start making money? Hmm…
Eight: a truth to uncover and guidance from
above. Turning the card over, I find the magician reversed, represented by
Demeter. This card speaks to the talents, skills, and abilities I have but am
not using to their full potential. I have so much more to give and I need to
spend the time nurturing, exploring, and cultivating the skills that I have to
get to the place I want to be in, to be the person I want to be, and give my
contribution to the world. This card suggests that I already know what these
skills and talents are, so I need to ask myself why I’m not putting them to
use. I need to figure out what is getting in the way of me drawing on this
talent to reach my full potential and what needs to change in order for me to
do so. This card is often tied to spiritual journeys as well, meaning that I
should use this skill to aid my work in becoming a more connected, spiritually
guided person. Is it writing that this card is talking about? Is it
photography? Is it something else entirely? I think that my own disbelief in my
talents and skills is part of the reason I am not entirely sure of what ability
this card is talking about. It couldn’t possibly mean my writing or
photography, because those are skills I often don’t believe are good enough to
get me anywhere, yet I really want them to. These self-doubts and lack in
confidence in my abilities are probably what is getting in my way, what is
stopping me from utilizing my full potential, from becoming the person I must
birth into existence as highlighted by card three, the Chariot.
Demeter is the goddess of the
fertile earth, of grain, and of all the fruits. Her most famous story is that
of losing her daughter Persephone to Hades, the god of the underworld. In her
grief, Demeter let the earth die, for she could not care for it while her
daughter was away from her. A deal was eventually made that Persephone would be
with Demeter 9 months out of the year and with Hades for 3 months, creating
winter, the time in which Demeter grieves for her daughter and cannot tend to
the earth. What does her story have to teach me, especially when she is
reversed? Demeter also represents rage, brought from despair, and turns this
rage into a solution to her problem. Her rage brings her daughter back. Maybe
this card is also talking about my passion, the passion that I have often been
told to tone down throughout my life, the passion that I did tone down, and the
rage that I no longer call upon. Do I need to bring this rage and passion back
into my life to get the results I need?
Nine: what will be unearthed and
discovered, the outcome as witnessed by the cards (positions 6-3-9 are all
linked; to help the unborn potential emerge, a way to think and feel to help
the development and the eventual emergence of the butterfly from the worm). The
final card, the outcome, is the High Priestess reversed, symbolized by Isis. In
reverse the High Priestess suggests that I am not listening to my inner voice,
my intuition or my inner truth. My inner self is calling to me and I must find
the time to be quiet and listen to her, to trust in her again, to get to know
her and bring her toward the surface. I must reconnect through greater
confidence in myself and a deep understanding that the answers are already
within, that I don’t need validation from others. She represents repressed
feelings and an excessive need for approval and validation. She also calls for
greater spiritual practice. It is time that I care less about what people
think, about whether or not people will believe in me, and start believing in
myself. I need to keep reaching toward my inner truth and live it, use it to
keep working toward my inner potential, through confidence and self-trust.
Isis is a great goddess, a very
ancient goddess, the goddess of the earth, of the feminine, of creation, of
sustenance and protection. Isis represents all that is necessary and beautiful
of feminine energy. By not being true to my inner self, I am not being true to
the ancients, to the powers that be, to the feminine energy that lives within
me. This card feels like the final warning to take the time, to dig deeper, to
overcome the obstacles and burdens I carry to become who I need to become.
tarot
guidance
prayer
wild prayer
help
witch
witchcraft
